Jesus Burgers Chilli Cook Off Contest

2008-03-11

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down
your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up
a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was hon ored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. Judge ..3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili .. 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge .. 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili .. 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ fl avor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.! I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili .. 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge .. 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili .. 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for f ish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my! tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili .. 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili .. 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of pepper s, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge ..3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili .. 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge
..3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursin g uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili .. 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
not.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge .. 3 passed out, fellover
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?


Currently listening :
Mr. Bungle
By Mr. Bungle
Release date: 06 August, 1991




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Check our Awesome Recepies! Extra Cheesy!

2008-03-07

Jesus Burger:
Star of David-shaped toasted kaiser buns, 1/4 pound Star of David-shaped beef patties, bbq/ranch sauce, red onions, pepper jack cheese, tomatoes, holy bacon, and romaine lettuce

All Saints Burger:
1/4 pound Ground beef & spam patties, topped with lamb strips, cucumbers and blessed with holy pink sauce

The Vicar's Dipper:
1/2 pound of roast beef strips and 3 strips of devilish bacon on a baguette with sautéed onions and mushrooms and Swiss cheese with a divine gravy for dipping
Gravy = Roasts drippings + Bacon Drippings + onion & mushroom juice + salt to taste + thickener

The Apocolypse Griller:
A can of spam, several individual slices of government cheese, large soda crackers, a Sterno grill, and a book of matches. The perfection of bomb shelter cuisine.



Pope Size your order for your choice of the following sides:

Minister Minestrone

Cloister Clam Chowder

Split Pea-ter Soup

Virgin Mary's Mushroom Medley

Christ's Crispy Curly Fries

Jesus Cruci-Fries

Savory Savior Fries

All With your choice of seasonings:

Kosher Salt
Lemon Pepper
Garlic Salt

DESERT MENU:

Judas' Reward:
30 silver-wrapped chocolate pieces, accompanied by a rope of licorice

Disciple's Delight:
A bite-sized strawberry, covered in doughnut batter, then fried, and coated with chocolate.


SPECIAL OFFERS

50% Discount if you say : Hail Mary, Full of Grease

25% Discount if Slogan is mentioned: Welcome to the garden of eatin'!

Area where you wait to get seated: Does have a sign that says "Purgatory"

The special: Jesus-Burgers with a side of Cruci-Fries

All You Can Eat Friday: Featuring endless loaves and fishes! Buy one supper, get the Last Supper free!

For the kids: Paper Pope hats.




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