herself's blog

My kind of shopping

2008-04-20

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City ,?where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the?entrance is a description of how the store operates: ??You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the?value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! ??So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first?floor the sign on the door reads: 
 
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: ??Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: ??Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good?Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking?and Help With Housework 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,?Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: ??Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men?on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to?please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. ??PLEASE NOTE: ??To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives?store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
 
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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The Good Demon

2008-04-12

I finished the first draft of my new story, The Good Demon. Not only is it hard to find a good demon in Hell, it also takes a bit to write about him! I've got 2 other shorts waiting on IRCs to send out to all those poor magazines that don't have one of my stories yet, so this is the 3rd sitting at home.

I have more story plans than I can manage to jot down right now. Not only are my side characters letting me get to know them, my main characters are starting to pipe up again. I have a story planned with just them in the local town, which IS, by the way, named Bantry (the real name of the town I live in). I hope the locals don't drive me out of town when these things get published. Not that the locals would read any of the magazines I'll be sending to! But I'll really get a good laugh when a tourist shows up & starts to ask about some point in my stories...I've decided I can use my characters to gripe about all the stuff that bugs me, so Bantry has no idea what's in store for it ...

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2000AD script going out this week

2008-04-02

I finished my script for a Future Shock episode for 2000AD. Just writing up the synopsis & then I can send it out. Keep your fingers crossed & I'll let you know if they take it!

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Why I haven't been in the studio

2008-03-22

So I know, since Cyqo's a music site, you may be wondering ... why the heck aren't I reporting that I'm in the studio or playing out?

The reason is because I live a double life. I'm also an author and I've been busy writing new material. If you haven't checked out DNET-DemonSpace.com you can find a bit of my stuff out there.

Spent the last three days writing a new story and editing it. Sorry, I can only tease you a bit; it's scheduled to send out to magazines for publishing. The title is 'True Blue Lou' and I've tied it into my demon universe. It's written with my usual sacarcasm and humour, so if you enjoy anything on DNET you'll probably want to read it.

I'll let you know when and where it gets into hard copy!

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The customs of an Irishman

2008-03-14

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."


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Dimwits!

2008-03-06

This one came in from my aunt:

Yes, it's again that electrifying time of the year when the Edison Awards are bestowed, recognizing the 20 Watt Bulbs, who live among us.?Here is the most dimwitted Winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. No court date was required.

And now, the somewhat brighter Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man wal ked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and then gives you money, has a crime been committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy had a hankering for booze. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some bottles, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man pocketed his gun, frustrated, walked away. He made it to the corner before being apprehended.

******The  5-WATT STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up on the ground next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and had plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake and sucked real hard. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, he couldn't stop laughing.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family

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Yo!

2008-03-03

Right. So if you don't know, it's me, Kylyra. If you haven't seen my music page or one of the many bands from Dark World International....well, you haven't explored much, have you? (lol!)

This is my personal page for all the stuff that flows out of my brain. Personally, I consider everyone here a bit lucky; I've been yelling at the people at MySpace for a while now. It really seems like MySpace is just overloaded now that the majors have bought their way in. Anyone else notice when a major band puts up a song it never starts with zero listens? Same with their pages - they never go up with zero fans, as far as I can tell.

I'm really hoping Cyqo stays indie-REALLY indie. I'm getting so tired of the lip service given to independent artists by established media sources!

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